There really is a Santa Claus!!!!

Merry Christmas everybody.

Your favourite grumpy, psychotic bastard is sitting here with a big grin on his face. I have been remarkably free of vitriol and rage this Christmas, and it just keeps getting better.

Tony Pulis is going to be announced as the new West Bromwich Albion manager. Let me say that again: TONY PULIS IS GOING TO BE ANNOUNCED AS THE NEW WEST BROMWICH ALBION MANAGER.

Our venerable Chairman, Jeremy Peace, has finally appointed a manager 1) That we’ve actually heard of; and 2) That offers a glimmer of hope for the club. At last, we can dare to dream again.

By the time Roy Hodgson left to become the England manager, he had built and trained a team that could compete in the Premiership. We were looking at top-half finishes; dreaming of European qualification. Spirits were high; the force was with us; there was a sense of optimism we hadn’t felt for years. The Baggies were on their way up at last. We were in a position where we could attract better managers now; and no doubt our Chairman would soon announce one.

We waited with baited breath to hear who would be appointed to continue Roy’s great work and take us into the UEFA Cup. The excitement was almost palpable.

Then the announcement came: The new manager of West Bromwich Albion is…wait for it…Steve Clarke.

Who…?

Steve Clarke – you know – he used to be an assistant manager at Chelsea; and at West Ham and Liverpool.

Assistant…? So, he’s never actually been a manager…?

He was caretaker manager at Newcastle once.

Ah, well that’s good. How long did he do that for?

One game.

Oh…did they win at least?

Er…no…they lost; 5-1 to Manchester United.

Oh for fuck’s sake.

So, we sat back and watched as Roy Hodgson’s legacy ensured a good start for Steve Clarke. But all polish wears off eventually and then things started going horribly wrong.

Steve Clarke was sacked. Okay, that was just a blip. The Chairman’s bound to appoint a big-name manager now. Things were going to turn around and we’d soon be dreaming about Europe again

So, here it comes. The new manager of West Bromwich Albion is…wait for it…Pepe Mel.

Who…?

Pepe Mel – you know – the Spanish bloke. Once played for Real Madrid’s B team. Managed a load of Spanish sides – mostly second-division. Then managed at Betis.

Oh; mostly second division, you say? But he did manage Betis, and they’re not bad. Also, here in 2013, Spain are the reigning World Cup and European Cup champions. Maybe a bit of that Spanish flair will do us some good.

Fucking useless. 17 games in charge; won 3, drawn 6 and lost 8. He left at the end of the season “by mutual consent”.

Right then. New season coming; new dawn, new hope and all that. There are plenty of big-name managers out there; let’s us get one of those and ram ourselves into the top half of the Premiership. Oh yes; this is exciting now. We’ve been in the Premiership for a few years now; we’ve got some money to spend. The past is gone, so it’s onwards and upwards.

Okay; so here it comes. The new manager of West Bromwich Albion is…wait for it…Alan Irvine.

Who…?

Alan Irvine – you know – he managed Preston North End, and Sheffield Wednesday.

But they’re Championship teams; we play in the Premiership…?

Ah, well now, he has managed in the Premiership; for the last three years; at Everton.

No he hasn’t. It was David Moyes and then Roberto Martinez.

Yeah; I didn’t say he was the First Team manager.

Which was he then; the Reserves manager?

Not exactly…he was the Youth Team manager.

SERIOUSLY…? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? ARE YOU FUCKING-WELL FUCKING KIDDING ME? WHAT THE FUCK…? WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK…? AAAAAAARGH…BASTARD…FUCKING BASTARD PEACE BASTARD FUCKING AAAAARGH.

Alan Irvine is by all accounts one of the nicest men in football. I have no doubt that if Mother Theresa had been a manager she would have been universally loved. But this is not a popularity contest; it’s a results game, where points count.

We’re one point above the relegation zone. As nice as Irvine was, he had to go.

Now, at last, the big-name manager is coming to West Brom. There’s hope for us yet.

I’ll keep my fingers crossed…