Cheryl Cole to Leave X-Factor...?

I couldn’t really give a shit, to be honest with you. I’m not a fan of the X-Factor; I think it’s exploitative and cruel. As for Cheryl Cole – the only time I’d want to hear her singing is softly in my ear while I’m shagging her. But, of course, that’s never going to happen…because she always mimes. And me being a fat, ugly bastard is going to reduce the chances even further. But if she ever decides she wants to roll around the floor with a big, fat, sweaty lump of mashed potato then I’ll be the first in line.

I don’t dislike Cheryl Cole per se. I get the feeling she used to be a really nice person until fame distorted her view of the world and of herself.

My problem with Cheryl Cole is that I’m British. That means I am bred to despise anyone who becomes successful through working the system in her favour.

Before she went on the X-Factor in 2008 she was just another member of Girls Aloud. Fair enough, she was the best looking one, and the debate among men was whether to shag her first or last if given the opportunity. Occasionally, someone might say in the middle; the reasoning being that you use the first two to get yourself warmed up; then you hit your peak with Cheryl, and then the last two as you’re coming down. I’ve never heard anyone suggest she could go second or fourth.

Anyway, she went on X-Factor in 2008 and suddenly she was the nation’s sweetheart. Then, inevitably, her ego grew to ridiculous proportions. Those little voices started telling her she didn’t need Girls Aloud anymore; that they were holding her back and she should go it alone.

So, in April 2009 she started work on her first solo material. This resulted in her first solo album, called 3 Words. Then came her first solo single – Fight for This Love. It was shite. The video was okay as long as you watched it on mute.

There was the US X-Factor debacle in 2011 which saw the end of her first tenure on the show. Her solo albums each sold less than the one before. Her popularity was waning. Cue the reformation of Girls Aloud. But it just wasn’t the same as before; the people had moved on. In March 2013 they officially announced they were splitting for good.

2014 – our Cheryl had an album to promote. Hmm…so…a sex tape was out of the question…so how should she do it? Aha – a “secret” wedding; a “reconciliation” with Simon Cowell and a return to the X-Factor. Fucking genius. Sure to generate fame, wealth and loathing all in one huge lump of PR magic.

I would point out here that things might not have gone down like this. This is just my cynical, hate-filled analysis.

Yeah, so now she’s hinting that she might not return to X-Factor next year. I have, of course, filed that in my folder called Things I Don’t Give a Shit About 2014. But I can’t help thinking that she’ll be back the next time she has an album to promote. Well, it’s either that or the sex tape. I wonder if I should buy an extra box of tissues, just in case…