Dirty Little Heart

So, Ian Watkins, the lead singer of the Lostprophets band, has been sentenced to 35 years in prison. This means, in reality, he’ll be out in about 17 years, when he’ll be 53 years old. He’ll still have a fully functional set of genitals, as well as a healthy bank account. I can’t help but wonder if he’ll be off to do a tour of south-east Asia, just like Gary Glitter did. Maybe they’ll get together and practice their vile perversion in tandem. Who knows, they might even decide to release a duet single. They can call themselves Nonce.

For anyone who doesn’t know, Ian Watkins is a scum-bastard paedophile. His crimes against children are enough to make any decent person feel physically sick. The man even admitted trying to rape a baby. He tried to rape a baby!

This surely is a crime worthy of execution. A man capable of such utter depravity should not be allowed to live. If he was a dog we’d have him destroyed. So let’s treat him like a dog and put him down.

The recent revelations about child abuse at the BBC and the stories in the papers about paedophile rings show that this is a growing crime. So, it’s time to start dishing out some harsher sentences. We recently had a badger cull; so how about a paedophile cull? These are surely members of society we can do without.

We could make a reality game show out of it. Paedophiles are rounded up and released into a town surrounded by an electric fence. Contestants are then given 48 hours to kill as many as they can, with bonus points given for more creative and more painful deaths. The winner gets a million pounds, a recording contract, and a part in Eastenders. We could call it The Strictly Nonce Factor, and get Davina McCall to host it.

How about a version of I’m a Celebrity…? We can call it “I’m a Paedophile, Get me Out of Here!” The idea is to put a group of paedophiles into the jungle, and then release various deadly animals to kill them. The one who lives the longest gets a humane death by gunshot to the head.

However we do it, we have got to wipe out this vile disease. Prison is not the answer. It didn’t stop Gary Glitter or Jon Venables. The punishment must be stronger. At the very least, it should include chemical castration.

Paedophilia is one of the most disgusting crimes there is. It’s time to make the punishment equally as vile.

Are you scared?

Did you know that the terrorist threat level in the UK mainland is still substantial? That means an attack is a strong possibility. And MI5’s response level is set at heightened. This is described on their website as, “additional and sustainable protective security measures reflecting the broad nature of the threat combined with specific business and geographical vulnerabilities and judgments on acceptable risk.”

Further items on their website describe some of the plots they have foiled in recent years. These include a plot to bomb the London Stock Exchange; a rucksack bomb plot against the English Defence League, and an attack on Royal Wootton Bassett.

What the fuck…?

I grew up in the seventies and eighties, and it was a magical time. Maybe it was because I was young and naïve, but the world seemed a lovely place. I was aware of the terrorist threat from the IRA, but it never seemed as intense as this.

How did it get this bad? Why do people hate us so intensely that they’re willing to sacrifice their own lives to hurt us?

I guess we must have done something wrong; hurt them in some way. When I say we, I mean the British government. After all, it’s they who put British soldiers in Ireland. It’s they who ordered the invasion of Iraq and Afghanistan. It’s they who are chomping at the bit to have a go in Syria.

But it’s not they who have to worry about being blown up on the bus to work. They don’t have to worry about being hit by a car and then beheaded in the street.

They have security around them; they get around in bulletproof cars. The only time you’ll find them on public transport is for a photo opportunity to try to convince us all that they are just ordinary folk. They don’t show us the army of assistants, PR people and armed security guards that go everywhere with them.

The thing that makes it all so sickening for me is that the countries these bastards have invaded never did anything to us. Iraq and Afghanistan never attacked us or killed any of our people until we went over there and started shooting and bombing the places to shit. I think if someone invaded us I’d want to do the same.

Even worse; the whole thing is not for some noble purpose. It’s about oil profits and geo-political positioning; it’s about American hegemony in the region.

The people responsible for this whole mess are devious, and they are ruthless. People like Tony Blair and Bill Clinton; George W Bush and Gordon Brown – they should all be brought before the International Court of Justice and answer charges of war crimes. But, of course, that’s not going to happen, is it. The winner really does take it all and answers for nothing.

In the event of all-out war, these people will be protected by armed police, security guards and soldiers. They will be cosseted in luxurious bunkers miles underground; safe from the bombs and the nuclear fallout; away from the carnage and the destruction.

The elite are writing cheques that the rest of us have to cash. They are waging wars that no one wants but them. I’m positive that if the people who declared war actually had to fight in it we would have world peace overnight.

It’s time to put these elite warmongers out of business. We need to show some peaceful civil disobedience and send a message that we’re not going to take it anymore. If not, then it’s our children and our grand-children who are going to suffer.

What's the Point of Nick Clegg?

Really; I wish someone could tell me. As far as I can see, he is – by far – the most irrelevant man in world politics. He’s actually an embarrassment to this country. He reminds me of that div kid you sometimes see in families who keeps trying to join in with the grown-ups’ conversation; doing his best to sound like an adult while his parents look on with fake indulgence, wishing the little shit would shut the fuck up.

Such a pathetic loser is he that he has already said that after the next election he will be looking to form an alliance with one of the two big parties. Does he really think that if either of them wins a majority they will even give him the time of day? Of course they won’t; they’ll send him off back to obscurity to whine like an old woman while dreaming of the days when he thought he actually had even the tiniest modicum of power.

In saying that, I’m assuming that the Liberal Democrats win any seats in the next election. As it stands, I’d be surprised if they manage to get into double figures next time around. Nick Clegg has successfully turned a mediocre political party into a non-entity. He has sold his soul, trashed his principles and broken almost every promise in a desperate attempt to matter in the political system. It beggars belief that he could even think for a minute that his party can have a successful election in 2015 with him as leader.

The man is a joke; and the real tragedy is that you can see in his eyes that he knows it. He absolutely knows that he has dropped his pants, bent over and invited David Cameron to make him his bitch, all so he can hang out with the bigger boys for a while.

Go away, little Nicky. You are irrelevant and pointless. You have no power; no influence. You are the equivalent of a slut who wakes every morning full of self-loathing and promises of never again and who then goes out and lets everyone fuck her again, all so that she can feel loved, even if only for a moment.

By the way; as an afterthought: Britain has been run by an un-elected Prime Minister for more than six years now. Gordon Brown inherited his position as PM from Tony Blair because he knew he was unelectable. Then we have David Cameron, who couldn’t even win a majority because he is unelectable too.

The people of Great Britain need to do something. We have spent six and a half years being shafted by people who never even won an election. We need to stand up and make ourselves heard. We need to engage in peaceful protests to tell these upper-class pricks of the so-called political classes that we will not be shit upon anymore; that we are not some whore to be passed around between them as they see fit. It’s time to make our voices heard, people.

They're All Fracking Mental!

As if fracking itself wasn’t bad enough and dangerous enough for the environment, some numb-shit has now come up with the bright idea to use the holes drilled for fracking to dispose of nuclear waste. In what is obviously an idea borne of financial gain, a theory has been put forward to combine nuclear waste with heavier metals and put it into the deep holes drilled for the purpose of hydraulic fracturing, better known as fracking.

So, it’s not enough anymore that the global financial machine is raping the surface and the air of the planet; now they want to poison the ground instead. It’s as if they won’t be satisfied until the earth is just a dead rock, not even able to sustain life anymore.

Maybe that’s the real substance of humanity. Maybe that’s what we do. We inhabit a planet; rape it into a lifeless rock and then move onto another one. Maybe we’re not infiltrated by aliens; maybe the aliens are us, and we’re leeching the earth of everything it’s got before our rancid seeds get blown by the solar winds to some other far off planet, there to germinate and evolve and do the same to that one.

I know that sounds a bit mental, but it’s as good a theory as any, and at least there’s a glimmer of hope in it. At least it holds a future for what we call the human race. And we really need it, because as science marches on, we seem to be finding new and more nocuous ways of destroying the planet.

Common sense dictates that if you keep tearing the shit out of something, eventually you’re going to kill it. If we carry on our parasitic draining of this planet we’re eventually going to suck it dry, and then we’re really going to be fucked.

The ruling elite are really taking the piss now. There are no depths to which they will not sink to get what they want - be it financial gain, power, or otherwise.

It’s time for a revolution. It’s time to tell these bastards that we will not let them carry on taking whatever they want while simultaneously destroying the very planet we live on. We need to embark on a program of passive, peaceful resistance against the dark forces of the global elite. We have to send a clear message to them that we will no longer be their slaves, killing ourselves and destroying the very place that gave us life just to fulfil their nefarious plans.

If we don’t, then God help us all.

Tom Hark

“Does anybody know the way to World War 3? I wanna know I wanna book me holiday.”

For years now, I’ve been thinking that the fuse leading to World War 3 would be lit in the Middle-East; perhaps Syria. I think it was reasonable when you consider all the dirty-dealings and chicanery going on in the shadows over there.

Now it seems the tinderbox that might ignite the third world war is a couple of disputed islands in the East China Sea. China and Japan both claim sovereignty over them and neither is willing to back down in this argument which is playing out on the news all over the world.

Japan has been looking for an excuse to re-mobilise its imperial army for years. Their so-called “Self-Defence Force” has been growing way beyond any requirement for homeland defence for ages, and this dispute with China is giving them just what they need to justify the re-building of Japan’s armed forces. It’s like Hitler’s Germany defying the Treaty of Versailles all over again – and we all know where that led.

The United States must take some of the responsibility for this. They have been bed-fellows with Japan since the end of the Second World War; they have seen the ongoing rebuilding of the Japanese armed forces and turned a blind eye. Further, thanks to the Security Treaty both countries signed in 1951, anybody who picks a fight with Japan also picks a fight with the US. This will no doubt have emboldened the Japanese, and with good reason: It’s like squaring up to the school bully with your big brother, Mike Tyson, standing at your shoulder. The trouble is, it increases the chances of them, along with the whole world, being sucked into a war that will no doubt be catastrophic for the entire planet.

Defence analysts at a US House Armed Services Sub-committee hearing this week have said that America should prepare for a potential war with China. They said the Pentagon should begin a massive program of arms build up which should include more nuclear submarines.

Of course, war with China is just what America and Japan wants. They fear China, because it is a sleeping giant which is now starting to wake. It is a third bigger than the US; twenty times bigger than Japan; and it has a population of more than 1.3 billion. This makes China potentially the most powerful nation in the world – unthinkable for the hegemonic figures within the American establishment.

So, China must be stopped before it reaches that tipping point where it becomes America’s military equal or – God forbid – superior. What better way to do so than to join its Japanese partner in provoking them over the islands known as Diaoyu in China and Senkaku in Japan? How better to do this than to openly defy China’s Air Defence Identification Zone which covers the islands and most of the East China Sea?

This is a dangerous tactic at best, since it increases the chances of accidental engagements that could so easily escalate to all-out war. It is an arrogant tactic on America’s part since it has no claim to the islands. It’s one thing to stand beside your ally in the event of war; but it’s another entirely to provoke such a war by interfering in matters that are none of your business.

America likes to position itself as some kind of global guardian, stepping in and flexing its military might as and when it sees fit. But the paradox here is that by doing so, it becomes itself an oppressive force, delivering the pain and terror it claims to be fighting against.

I would like to say I’m not worried about all this; after all, the whole thing is playing out on the other side of the world. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little concerned. Laying aside the fact that my two youngest daughters are in Japan (illegally, I might add), the attacks of 9/11; the London bombings, and the Second World War in itself has shown us that conflict has a nasty way of showing up right outside our back doors.

Let’s hope it doesn’t get that far. Let’s hope that sense prevails for once.

“The whole thing’s daft; I don’t know why. You have to laugh; or else you’d cry.”

Immigration Doesn't Have to be a Problem

Immigration is one of the best things ever to happen to this country. It has widened our horizons, introduced us to many new things and experiences, and enabled us to make friends with people of different backgrounds.

But our stupid politicians are messing the whole bloody thing up. Of course, that shouldn’t be surprising when you consider these people have never spent a single moment living in the real world.

Immigration could make this the greatest country in the world again. We could be world leaders again, instead of the irrelevant joke we are becoming on the world stage.

The first thing we need to do is close the borders immediately, and not let anyone else in. The current infrastructure can’t cope with the population numbers, so to keep letting more in makes no sense.

But we have the people already in this country that can bring the infrastructure up to date and make it safe to let people in again. Instead of demonising and vilifying foreigners we should be taking advantage of the knowledge and skills they possess, and put them to good use. Instead of marginalising them we should put them to work making this country great again.

How many asylum seekers and illegal immigrants have skills that might be useful in making this country better? Instead of spending a fortune keeping them in prisons or going through appeal after appeal, we should find out if they have any demonstrable skills, and if they do, then they should be given leave to remain immediately with no more messing around.

How many immigrants could be useful in research and development? How many could be engineering the rebuilding of this country? How many could be putting us at the forefront of technical and scientific progress?

We should be welcoming these people with open arms instead of complaining about them. They can make this country great again.

And when they do; when we’ve all worked together and made the infrastructure able to cope; when we are a player on the world stage again, then we should re-open the borders. As long as we can cope, we should let people in, and put them to work moving this country forward.

As for those who complain about foreigners coming over here and nicking their jobs; I say if you’re good enough to be the one to do that job, then you don’t need to worry.

I would temper what I’ve just said, however. Anyone who comes here just to claim benefits; anyone who comes here to take without giving back; anyone who comes here to commit crime; anyone who is already here and commits crime; these people should be ejected immediately. There should be no appeals; no putting them in holding cells while paperwork goes through; they should be thrown out, and if they can’t get into their own country then that’s their problem, not ours.

Imagine inviting a friend into your house. You make them welcome; give them food and drink. If they then get up and take a dump on your carpet you throw them out. You don’t let them stay in the cupboard because they say they can’t get into their house, or they don’t even have one. No; you throw them out immediately, and if they have nowhere to go, it’s tough shit. They should have appreciated your welcome and your generosity.

Our politicians should stop being scared of being called racist. They should show some testicular fortitude and actually use immigration to benefit this country rather than let it tear the place apart.

That’s the only way they can prevent the rise of nationalism and the race war that is looming large on the horizon right now. If they don’t, then I hope they enjoy the riots that will surely come.

Give Yourself a Treat

Enter the World of Alamin’s Spice

I don’t normally do this kind of thing, but I’m going to write a restaurant review. I hope you’ll forgive me and indulge me on this; it’s just that I’ve found a takeaway so good that it deserves it.

Alamin’s Spice is an Indian Takeaway in West Bromwich. It offers the best Indian food you will ever taste. Now, I realise that’s quite a statement when you consider different tastes and the plethora of other options available. However, if you’re going to order from a place like this then you know you like Indian food. And if you like your food done a certain way, these guys will make it like that for you.

I first ordered from them in July, shortly after they opened. I had just moved into my new flat and I was sitting there, surrounded by boxes – and sitting on one of them because my new sofa hadn’t been delivered. I was feeling miserable and tired, and I didn’t feel like cooking. So, I ordered a Chicken Jalfrezi with Onion Fried Rice and a Plain Naan. I also asked for extra green and red peppers in my curry.

It was delivered fairly quickly. The driver was a nice, friendly guy. What more could you ask?

The food was gorgeous – that’s what! The chicken was juicy and tender, and the sauce was tasty without being too overpowering. There were generous chunks of red and green peppers, as I’d requested. The rice was so good it could have been eaten on its own; and even more impressive, it wasn’t too greasy, which is a massive plus for me. Finally the Naan bread: It was big and round and delicious; ‘nuff said.

The food was so good that I had the same again for the next two days. I had a Prawn Cocktail starter with the last one, and even this was better than you usually get from takeaways. The prawns were plump and juicy; the sauce was nice and there was plenty of it.

I had a few days off, but I couldn’t resist anymore – I had to order some more food from there. I called up and spoke to the chef; I asked him to recommend something new for me to try. He asked me what kind of things I like; the level of spice I enjoy, and based on this he recommended his Chilli Chicken, which he also tailored to my tastes. Now, I can’t do all that poetic stuff about “melodies of taste” and stuff like that. I’m not one for “parties on my taste-buds” and all that la-di-da rubbish; life’s too short. Suffice to say – the food was bloody lovely.

Look; it’s like this – if you like Indian food, give Alamin’s Spice a try. The food is fantastic; it’s good value, and the staff are friendly and accommodating.

Do yourself a favour. You owe it to yourself. We’ve all been struggling in these austere times, but it’s nearly Christmas. So give yourself the gift of the best Indian food in the West Bromwich area. I assure you, you will not regret it, and will no doubt be returning to Alamin’s Spice well into the New Year as well.

"Not my Problem"

It seems this has become the mantra for the modern age, and I think it's a tragedy. Nobody gives a shit about anybody anymore. We're all too busy worrying about being criticised or reprimanded if we speak out of turn; so we keep our gobs shut; turn a blind eye; pretend all's well with the world. Never put your head above the parapet; never take responsibility for anything, and never stand up for anything - even if you know there's something wrong. Fucking shameful!

It's this kind of thinking that killed a 4 year old boy named Daniel Pelka.

LOOK AT HIM! LOOK AT HIM! TAKE A FUCKING GOOD LOOK; BECAUSE THAT BEAUTIFUL CHILD THERE IS DEAD. FUCKING DEAD! MURDERED! AND HIS BLOOD IS NOT JUST ON THE HANDS OF HIS BITCH MOTHER AND HER BASTARD PARTNER; IT'S ON ALL OUR HANDS. IT'S ON THE HANDS OF EVERY BASTARD WHO EVER SAW SOMETHING WRONG WITH A CHILD AND NEVER SPOKE UP.

There was plenty of time for someone to speak up; someone to take responsibility and speak up and save this boy's life. He was starved and beaten for months before his poor little body gave up and he died.

He was treated by a doctor for a broken arm. He turned up at school with bruises and facial injuries, and he was seen scavenging for food. The police were called to the house 26 times for incidents of domestic violence and alcohol abuse. He was treated at A&E for a fractured arm, and while there was some concern shown, especially since he had other bruising, but no action was taken. Plenty of people had plenty of opportunities to save this child's life. But they were all too busy worrying about their jobs; "not my problem", so just turn away and pretend it's all okay. Don't get involved.

Jesus, look at what we've become!

I thought the lessons had been learned with Baby P??? I thought inquests had been held, committees convened and services adapted and improved??? No; what happened is lots of fuck-wits sat around lots of tables, umming and aahing, getting fuck-all done and then claiming the whole thing on expenses.

Nobody has been disciplined for failing to help that poor kid. How can they find anybody to discipline? Nobody takes any responsibility, and everything's geared up these days to ensure that they can't be sued and that no one person or department can be held responsible for anything. So what if the occasional child dies in horrendous circumstances - as long as the department can't get sued.

What about the parents? Well the mother and her partner have been imprisoned for life. Which means they'll serve about 12 years in a jail specifically designed to make them as comfortable and happy as possible. Daniel would have been 16 when they come out; he would have just left school and be looking to the future. So, after having been kept in comfort for 12 years at huge expense to the taxpayer, they will be released. The nature of their crime means they'll probably be given whole new identities; a home, and an income. Christ - this country is so fucked up that we've actually made child murder profitable!

These people should be hung, drawn and fucking quartered; not rewarded with a comfortable cell and then a new life.
Furthermore; these two bastards were from Poland. How about sending them back there so Poland can have the expense of keeping them in prison? Why should we carry the burden?

So, now we've got a debate going about whether or not it should be made a crime not to report concerns over a child's well-being. You know - the usual knee-jerk bollocks.

But before we start arguing about making it a crime to not report things; how about making the murder itself a crime first!!!!

Robbed

That’s the only word to describe what happened to Manchester United last night. They were robbed.

I’m not a United fan, but I am a fan of football, and I’m sure all true football fans will be appalled by the referee’s decision in the Champions League match against Real Madrid last night. Yes, Nani’s foot was high; yes, it was a dangerous tackle. But there was no intent – Nani didn’t see the other player coming; his eyes were fixed firmly on the ball. The other player wasn’t hurt; the referee took a minute to make his decision, and bearing in mind the significance of the match and the circumstances surrounding the incident, he should have used common sense and had words with Nani and shown him a yellow card.

The referee’s decision – no doubt made to put him in the spotlight and get his name into the media – ruined the match as a spectacle, and the knock-on effect could be disastrous for Sir Alex Ferguson’s team. Quite aside from the tens of millions of pounds they will lose in revenues, a defeat like that can destroy a team’s confidence and send them into a downward spiral that it’s difficult to recover from. Just look at Arsenal a couple of seasons ago: They were in contention for four trophies – the League Cup, FA Cup, Champion’s League and the Premiership. Then they lost in the League Cup final to Birmingham and it destroyed them. In a matter of weeks they dropped out of the reckoning for all four trophies, and now, a couple of seasons on, they still have not recovered, and Arsene Wenger – he who put together “The Invincibles” – is under pressure from all sides.

This should not be an end of the matter. There should be an official inquiry into the referee’s decision. At the very least, the referee should never officiate over a Champion’s League match again.

My Psycho Brother

My older brother is a psychopath. He displays all the characteristics; such as inappropriate responses to emotional situations, a failure to recognise or respect other people’s needs or any kind of moral boundaries, and difficulties forming close relationships.

Most people just call him a wanker; and I wouldn’t argue with them on that because he is. But it goes much deeper than that. His behaviour is not just that of a git; he often displays degenerate behaviour, criminal behaviour, and a disturbing lack of appropriate emotional response; for example when our mother almost died of a heart attack and I cried at the sight of her lying in the hospital bed, unconscious and attached to monitors and drips. My brother actually laughed at me and said, ‘What are you crying for, you poof?’ He was thirty-two at the time, so I think I could have expected just a little bit of compassion and maturity from him.

Dr J. Bowlby, an eminent psychologist, described a condition called “affectionless psychopathy”. I would put my brother – and his equally psychopathic wife – into this category. Both are unable to accommodate or respect the emotional needs of others, and both are unable to form deep bonds with other people. They seem to have formed a bond with each other, but when you observe them over a period of time you’re left with the impression that if one of them died – while the other one might display a mild, outward display of grief – deep down they wouldn’t really give a shit.

This affectionless psychopathy is just one of the many reasons I have cut them entirely out of my life. Others say I’m wrong, and I’m being a bit childish, but I think if someone is just bringing you down then what’s the point of maintaining contact with them? My brother is a sexual predator, a criminal, an adulterer and a bully. Would anyone want someone like that in their life?

Derek - Simply Brilliant

I don’t remember the last time I got excited about anything on television. I think it might have been The Young Ones on BBC 2 in the early eighties. But even then I didn’t react the way I have with Ricky Gervais’s latest offering. Not only am I excited by it, but also I’m passionate to the point where I actually gush about it, calling it the best television for decades.

So, what is this program that has me acting like a girl worshipping One Direction and generally embarrassing myself every time I see Ricky Gervais on Twitter?

It’s a gentle little comedy/drama program that revolves around the eponymous character, Derek, a simple man who lives and works in a retirement home. It’s funny, it’s heart-warming; heart-breaking at times, but it’s the kind of program that always ends too soon and then makes you wait a whole week before you can steal another brief moment with some of the best characters ever created.

Derek is never going to win a Nobel Prize for science. He’s far from the sharpest tool in the shed. But what he lacks in intelligence, he more than makes up for with heart, compassion and an overwhelming desire to make better the lives of the elderly residents at Broadhill Retirement Home. He’s aided in this by a small collection of misfit characters who each add another dimension to every week’s bittersweet tale.

There’s Hannah, the inspirational manager of the home, whose dedication to her job is actually humbling. Even at the cost of her own social life she will be there if a resident needs her, sitting with them; holding their hand, comforting them as they edge inexorably towards their final darkness.

Dougie is the home’s handyman, bus driver and general go-to guy. He is ably played by the legend that is Karl Pilkington, whose unique brand of misery comes shining through, although here there is an underlying humanity and kindness that can be show-stealing at times.

Then there’s Kev. Kev is crass, crude, obnoxious at times, but like the others who inhabit Broadhill Retirement Home, he has a good heart. It’s just hidden behind a shell of behaviour that is as cringe-worthy as it is funny; for example, writing rude words on crabs’ shells.

So, who could possibly have conceived and created such a work of pure class like this?

Believe it or not, it’s Ricky Gervais. Yes, you know him; he’s the one known for putting down the great and the good at the Oscars and Golden Globes; for putting poor Karl Pilkington through hell in An Idiot Abroad; and – of course – the inimitable David Brent.

I think it shows the talent of Mr Gervais that someone renowned for his edgy (some have called it bullying), sometimes harsh comedy, can write and breathe life into a character like Derek Noakes. Derek is sweet, kind, caring – basically all the things Gervais has worked hard to pretend he’s not over the years.

Derek will make you laugh; it will make you cry. But most of all it will renew your faith in humanity, because you’ll see a bit of yourself in the characters inhabiting Broadhill. You’ll also see bits of the people you love, because Ricky Gervais has encapsulated the best bits of all of us in this program and put them all up there on the screen to remind us they still exist, and perhaps to inspire us to be a little nicer to each other, to exercise a little more patience with people. And to always take a Sharpie pen with us when we go to the seaside, because we never know when we’ll get the opportunity to write the word “Twat” on a crab’s shell.

Derek can be seen on Channel 4, Wednesday nights at 10.00. You can also catch up on 4OD.

Dara O'Briain - The Gentleman Comic

I love stand-up comedy. I've got dozens of DVDs, videos, albums and cassettes, covering five decades of laughs.
I have my favourites, of course, and there are some I regard as a kind of comedy royalty - see Jack Dee and Lee Evans. I did think Russell Kane was going to be the next big thing but his star seems to have faded a little. It's a shame, really, because he did show a lot of promise.
By the way, I give my opinions as someone who must have watched literally hundreds of stand-up performances. I don't claim to be any kind of aficionado; just someone who has seen the best and the worst and everything in between.
I did think Jimmy Carr was destined for legendary status, but when I spotted a couple of stooges in his stand-up DVDs it kind of took the shine off it a little. It turned out his razor-sharp, off-the-cuff remarks were not as spontaneous as it first appeared. I'm still a fan, though. He's funny, and that little edge to his comedy can be very entertaining.
But there's another pretender to the crown that I'd like to share with you, and that's Dara O'Briain.
I would imagine this large Irishman would cut quite an imposing figure in person, but his comedy style is quite unassuming, occasionally self-deprecating, and almost always breath-takingly funny. He engages the audience, but unlike the confrontational and belittling style of comics like Frankie Boyle and the aforementioned Jimmy Carr, his gentle coaxing of the audience and laughing with them rather than at them makes for an overall more pleasant experience. The entire atmosphere of the room seems more relaxed, and the audience are more willing to engage with Dara rather than dreading him picking on them. That's not to say that he doesn't occasionally share a bit of banter with them, but it's more jocular and good-humoured.
Dara is a self-confessed nerd; a science geek, and it shows, because he's as sharp as a tack. When he chats to the audience he appears in total control, and he takes whatever he gives them and turns it into comedy gold. I'm not naive enough to believe he doesn't have some stock jokes to fall back on, but there does seem to be a lot of genuine spontaneity to his comedy.
His routine on video games is one of his finest moments, and his story about attending parenting classes with his wife is rib-achingly funny.
But he does it all with genuine class and charisma, displaying the kind of confidence that I imagine comes from being as big as he is. When I started writing this I told myself I didn't want to fall into the "gentle giant" trap, but that is the way Dara appears, because he relaxes you, and you feel like he's just that nice guy down the street who stops and has a chat with you, and you come away feeling much better for it.
Dara has mastered the psychology of stand-up so that he can stand on a stage in front of thousands of people and make each one of them feel like he's talking to them personally, bringing an intimacy to the entire occasion. He makes a big room feel small, which is a gift that only the best possess.
To date, he has released 4 DVDs, and I would heartily recommend all of them.
His latest, Craic Dealer Live 2012 is available from Amazon for £9.99. Buy it - and his others - or miss out on some real belly laughs.