What Really Happened to David Kelly?

The first words out of my mouth when I heard David Kelly was dead were, “He was assassinated.” His death was too convenient.

David Kelly was a weapons inspector in Iraq who famously cast doubt on the British Government’s reason for invading the sovereign nation that had never harmed or even threatened harm to us. He knew about the infamous “sexed up” document claiming Saddam Hussein had Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMDs) and told a reporter it simply wasn’t true.

Now, that was a bit inconvenient for Tony Blair. You see, little Tony had his nose halfway up George “Dubya” Bush’s arse. And, one night, while Dubya was sticking it hard to our criminal cunt of a Prime Minister, he told him that he must do whatever it takes to justify invading a sovereign nation or he was going to get a spanking.

So, like any good little bitch, Tony did as he was told. He lied and cheated and forced Britain into an illegal war.

But, hey – what did he care? He had one eye on the tens of millions he was going to make very soon. I don’t know how; or where the money comes from. All I know is that Tony Blair’s bank balance has benefitted hugely from his time as the leader of our nation. And they say altruism is dead…

Anyway; David Kelly was potentially a black eye in waiting for little Tony and his ambitions of hegemony. So, it was a good job he died, wasn’t it? It was nice of him to kill himself right then, eh…? Very convenient…

He was found slumped against a tree at the edge of a wood near his home in Oxfordshire. There was a bloody pruning knife on the ground beside him; and blister packs that had held 30 Co-Proxamol tablets, with only one left. There was also a bloody Evian bottle.

So, he committed suicide then. All the evidence is there. He had cuts on his arms; there were the empty blister packs; and the water.

The problem is, there were no fingerprints on the knife – David’s or anybody else’s. There were none on the blister packs or the bottle either. He wasn’t wearing gloves and there were none found nearby.

So, David cut himself just a bit. Then he took all those pills except one…I guess he was full. Finally, before falling softly into death’s cold arms, he wiped all his dabs off the knife, blister packs and bottle. Of course – he wouldn’t want people to think he’d killed himself, did he? He might get in trouble for that. Hmm…

So, what really happened to David Kelly? Who really killed him – because I don’t believe he killed himself? Answers on a postcard, please.