Breastfeeding

New mothers are beautiful creatures. They remind me of willows; earth-mothers with a kind of ethereal glow.

I’ve had four kids. Caring for newborn babies is hard work. It takes a lot of patience, commitment and love. It’s particularly hard work for mothers, since they are the primary caregivers; so, as a society, we have a responsibility to help them and make things as easy for them as possible.

That includes allowing them to breastfeed wherever they choose. It’s the most natural, most beautiful thing in the world. So, to make it awkward or uncomfortable in any way is just abhorrent, and anybody that does so should be fucking ashamed of themselves.

But I do have one problem with it; a singularly male one. And that problem is BOOBS; TITS; JUBBLIES; MILK BEASTS. There’s a woman over there with one of her NORKS out.

Men are just about universally regarded as childish, horny, voyeuristic perverts. If we see a flash of knicker we can’t stop our eyes looking towards it. We can turn our heads but our eyes will still be drawn to it like iron filings to the world’s most powerful magnet.

Now, that’s just a brief flash of cloth; we’re talking about an almost fully exposed ELMER FUDD here. A great big FUN PUDDING on display. Men are weak; how the hell are we supposed to not take a peek at that? And then another peek? God, we’d be standing over them, gawping like a fat bloke at a free pizza buffet if it wasn’t for the fact that we’d probably get arrested.

So, ladies, please feel free to breastfeed wherever you like. It’s your God-given right, and nobody should even consider trying to stop you. But please remember how sad and pathetic men are, and remember that, although we do our best not to, we will be taking a peek.

I’m sorry about that.