Robbed

That’s the only word to describe what happened to Manchester United last night. They were robbed.

I’m not a United fan, but I am a fan of football, and I’m sure all true football fans will be appalled by the referee’s decision in the Champions League match against Real Madrid last night. Yes, Nani’s foot was high; yes, it was a dangerous tackle. But there was no intent – Nani didn’t see the other player coming; his eyes were fixed firmly on the ball. The other player wasn’t hurt; the referee took a minute to make his decision, and bearing in mind the significance of the match and the circumstances surrounding the incident, he should have used common sense and had words with Nani and shown him a yellow card.

The referee’s decision – no doubt made to put him in the spotlight and get his name into the media – ruined the match as a spectacle, and the knock-on effect could be disastrous for Sir Alex Ferguson’s team. Quite aside from the tens of millions of pounds they will lose in revenues, a defeat like that can destroy a team’s confidence and send them into a downward spiral that it’s difficult to recover from. Just look at Arsenal a couple of seasons ago: They were in contention for four trophies – the League Cup, FA Cup, Champion’s League and the Premiership. Then they lost in the League Cup final to Birmingham and it destroyed them. In a matter of weeks they dropped out of the reckoning for all four trophies, and now, a couple of seasons on, they still have not recovered, and Arsene Wenger – he who put together “The Invincibles” – is under pressure from all sides.

This should not be an end of the matter. There should be an official inquiry into the referee’s decision. At the very least, the referee should never officiate over a Champion’s League match again.

My Psycho Brother

My older brother is a psychopath. He displays all the characteristics; such as inappropriate responses to emotional situations, a failure to recognise or respect other people’s needs or any kind of moral boundaries, and difficulties forming close relationships.

Most people just call him a wanker; and I wouldn’t argue with them on that because he is. But it goes much deeper than that. His behaviour is not just that of a git; he often displays degenerate behaviour, criminal behaviour, and a disturbing lack of appropriate emotional response; for example when our mother almost died of a heart attack and I cried at the sight of her lying in the hospital bed, unconscious and attached to monitors and drips. My brother actually laughed at me and said, ‘What are you crying for, you poof?’ He was thirty-two at the time, so I think I could have expected just a little bit of compassion and maturity from him.

Dr J. Bowlby, an eminent psychologist, described a condition called “affectionless psychopathy”. I would put my brother – and his equally psychopathic wife – into this category. Both are unable to accommodate or respect the emotional needs of others, and both are unable to form deep bonds with other people. They seem to have formed a bond with each other, but when you observe them over a period of time you’re left with the impression that if one of them died – while the other one might display a mild, outward display of grief – deep down they wouldn’t really give a shit.

This affectionless psychopathy is just one of the many reasons I have cut them entirely out of my life. Others say I’m wrong, and I’m being a bit childish, but I think if someone is just bringing you down then what’s the point of maintaining contact with them? My brother is a sexual predator, a criminal, an adulterer and a bully. Would anyone want someone like that in their life?

Derek - Simply Brilliant

I don’t remember the last time I got excited about anything on television. I think it might have been The Young Ones on BBC 2 in the early eighties. But even then I didn’t react the way I have with Ricky Gervais’s latest offering. Not only am I excited by it, but also I’m passionate to the point where I actually gush about it, calling it the best television for decades.

So, what is this program that has me acting like a girl worshipping One Direction and generally embarrassing myself every time I see Ricky Gervais on Twitter?

It’s a gentle little comedy/drama program that revolves around the eponymous character, Derek, a simple man who lives and works in a retirement home. It’s funny, it’s heart-warming; heart-breaking at times, but it’s the kind of program that always ends too soon and then makes you wait a whole week before you can steal another brief moment with some of the best characters ever created.

Derek is never going to win a Nobel Prize for science. He’s far from the sharpest tool in the shed. But what he lacks in intelligence, he more than makes up for with heart, compassion and an overwhelming desire to make better the lives of the elderly residents at Broadhill Retirement Home. He’s aided in this by a small collection of misfit characters who each add another dimension to every week’s bittersweet tale.

There’s Hannah, the inspirational manager of the home, whose dedication to her job is actually humbling. Even at the cost of her own social life she will be there if a resident needs her, sitting with them; holding their hand, comforting them as they edge inexorably towards their final darkness.

Dougie is the home’s handyman, bus driver and general go-to guy. He is ably played by the legend that is Karl Pilkington, whose unique brand of misery comes shining through, although here there is an underlying humanity and kindness that can be show-stealing at times.

Then there’s Kev. Kev is crass, crude, obnoxious at times, but like the others who inhabit Broadhill Retirement Home, he has a good heart. It’s just hidden behind a shell of behaviour that is as cringe-worthy as it is funny; for example, writing rude words on crabs’ shells.

So, who could possibly have conceived and created such a work of pure class like this?

Believe it or not, it’s Ricky Gervais. Yes, you know him; he’s the one known for putting down the great and the good at the Oscars and Golden Globes; for putting poor Karl Pilkington through hell in An Idiot Abroad; and – of course – the inimitable David Brent.

I think it shows the talent of Mr Gervais that someone renowned for his edgy (some have called it bullying), sometimes harsh comedy, can write and breathe life into a character like Derek Noakes. Derek is sweet, kind, caring – basically all the things Gervais has worked hard to pretend he’s not over the years.

Derek will make you laugh; it will make you cry. But most of all it will renew your faith in humanity, because you’ll see a bit of yourself in the characters inhabiting Broadhill. You’ll also see bits of the people you love, because Ricky Gervais has encapsulated the best bits of all of us in this program and put them all up there on the screen to remind us they still exist, and perhaps to inspire us to be a little nicer to each other, to exercise a little more patience with people. And to always take a Sharpie pen with us when we go to the seaside, because we never know when we’ll get the opportunity to write the word “Twat” on a crab’s shell.

Derek can be seen on Channel 4, Wednesday nights at 10.00. You can also catch up on 4OD.

Dara O'Briain - The Gentleman Comic

I love stand-up comedy. I've got dozens of DVDs, videos, albums and cassettes, covering five decades of laughs.
I have my favourites, of course, and there are some I regard as a kind of comedy royalty - see Jack Dee and Lee Evans. I did think Russell Kane was going to be the next big thing but his star seems to have faded a little. It's a shame, really, because he did show a lot of promise.
By the way, I give my opinions as someone who must have watched literally hundreds of stand-up performances. I don't claim to be any kind of aficionado; just someone who has seen the best and the worst and everything in between.
I did think Jimmy Carr was destined for legendary status, but when I spotted a couple of stooges in his stand-up DVDs it kind of took the shine off it a little. It turned out his razor-sharp, off-the-cuff remarks were not as spontaneous as it first appeared. I'm still a fan, though. He's funny, and that little edge to his comedy can be very entertaining.
But there's another pretender to the crown that I'd like to share with you, and that's Dara O'Briain.
I would imagine this large Irishman would cut quite an imposing figure in person, but his comedy style is quite unassuming, occasionally self-deprecating, and almost always breath-takingly funny. He engages the audience, but unlike the confrontational and belittling style of comics like Frankie Boyle and the aforementioned Jimmy Carr, his gentle coaxing of the audience and laughing with them rather than at them makes for an overall more pleasant experience. The entire atmosphere of the room seems more relaxed, and the audience are more willing to engage with Dara rather than dreading him picking on them. That's not to say that he doesn't occasionally share a bit of banter with them, but it's more jocular and good-humoured.
Dara is a self-confessed nerd; a science geek, and it shows, because he's as sharp as a tack. When he chats to the audience he appears in total control, and he takes whatever he gives them and turns it into comedy gold. I'm not naive enough to believe he doesn't have some stock jokes to fall back on, but there does seem to be a lot of genuine spontaneity to his comedy.
His routine on video games is one of his finest moments, and his story about attending parenting classes with his wife is rib-achingly funny.
But he does it all with genuine class and charisma, displaying the kind of confidence that I imagine comes from being as big as he is. When I started writing this I told myself I didn't want to fall into the "gentle giant" trap, but that is the way Dara appears, because he relaxes you, and you feel like he's just that nice guy down the street who stops and has a chat with you, and you come away feeling much better for it.
Dara has mastered the psychology of stand-up so that he can stand on a stage in front of thousands of people and make each one of them feel like he's talking to them personally, bringing an intimacy to the entire occasion. He makes a big room feel small, which is a gift that only the best possess.
To date, he has released 4 DVDs, and I would heartily recommend all of them.
His latest, Craic Dealer Live 2012 is available from Amazon for £9.99. Buy it - and his others - or miss out on some real belly laughs.