It's The End of the World

Bastards!
'Ooh,' they said. 'The Mayan calendar is going to end, and that means the end of the world. The planets are going to align as well, and there's going to be earthquakes, tidal waves, famine, pestilence and a new world tour by Barry Manilow.'
So, I stayed in bed late today. After all - why bother getting up when the world's going to end? I might as well have a lie-in and die in my bed all nice and cosy.
I gazed out the window, waiting for it to go dark. Here it comes...here it comes...okay, well it's still the 21st; there's plenty of time. I'll get up, have a coffee and a mince pie; shall I have one last wank before the end of the world? Nah; I'm not in the mood.
Standing in my kitchen as my freshly ground coffee brewed, I stared out the window. I had one hand on the washing machine in case there was an earthquake. Thank God I'm in the middle of the country so I don't have to worry about tidal waves.
There was a noise outside my back door. Oh my God! It's the four horsemen of the apocalypse come for me. I always knew they would. People always pick on me. I'm getting sick of it. Well, I'm going to give those horsemen a piece of my mind...oh, it's just the cat wanting to come in.
The suspense is killing me by now. I keep farting - my stomach is so nervous. Will there be another life afterwards, or will this be it? Am I going to heaven or hell? Well, there was that incident with the neighbour's dog and that bowl of custard...Ah, I should get away with one. I think they take your conduct as a whole, and I think overall I've been pretty good.
Oh come on!!! Shouldn't the sky be like sack-cloth by now?

So, here I am, writing this. Has the world ended? No. Has anything happened? Fuck all!!!
I might as well have stayed in bed all day.
Of course, now I've got to go out and panic-buy all my Christmas presents. I hadn't bought any because I thought the world was going to end today and I was going to get away with it. I guess I'm going to have to forgive my daughter for not letting me open my presents from her early because the world was going to end.
The world not ending has really ruined my bloody Christmas.