My health

I suffer from a number of health conditions, both physical and mental. I'm disabled and housebound.
I hate it. I feel like life has taken a huge shit on me.
I suffer depression, and have done since before it somehow became fashionable. I cut myself, and am often suicidal.
One of my physical conditions is that I choke in the night. I'm not talking about sleep apnoea; I actually regurgitate food and acid in my sleep and inhale it. I wake up choking and have to cough it up. But sometimes it doesn't all come up. Sometimes it feels like my lungs are full of shit. Needless to say, I get a lot of chest infections, and have to take antibiotics on top of the 46 other tablets I have to take every day.
The last couple of days have been bad. I had to have the doctor in today because I've been feeling shite. My doctor is great; a really lovely lady. Dr Hughes. She gave me the once over and had a chat with me. Thankfully, I haven't got a chest infection today, but my blood pressure - which I have problems with - is right up in the red again.
I want to die. I honestly do. If it wasn't for the fact that I need to be here for my kids I would top myself immediately. I'm genuinely not scared of dying, although I do want it to be on my own terms. For once in my life I want to call the shots.
I used to have a plan for my death. I would kill my brother using a knife and a baseball bat before going over to lie on the railway tracks and let a train run over me.
Unfortunately, my worsening health problems mean I'm no longer physically capable of carrying out that plan. So I'm trying to come up with a new one. It's not easy. I get out of breath literally within a few feet. I have to use adapted crutches. How the hell am I supposed to kill my brother in this state? Killing myself is no problem - I have pills; I could open a vein. But I want to end that evil bastard brother of mine before I go.
It may seem odd that I want to kill my brother, but trust me when I tell you, I would be doing the world a favour. He is a genuinely, truly evil man. He's a nonce, a thief, adulterer and bully. He has absolutely no redeeming features. Honestly, there's not so much as a glimmer of goodness in him. He is a monster, and the world would be much better without him.
So, I'll carry on trying to come up with ways to take him out before I check out myself.

PS Professor Jon Raphael of Birmingham University is a corrupt, short, ponce of a man, and if I ever meet him again I will stick a knife in his throat.