Bland Aid

I was there when the first Band Aid single came out. It was a big deal. There'd been nothing like it before, and we all got caught up in this effort to help the poor starving people in Ethiopia. On top of that, the song was actually quite good.

The enthusiasm and excitement grew, and carried on into the summer, culminating in Live Aid - one of the greatest achievements, and one of the greatest days in the history of man.

The whole Band Aid/Live Aid thing was a unique, special moment in history.

So why the hell has Bob Geldof decided to piss on it and permanently mar this shining example of humanity?

The first remake of the Band Aid single was produced by Stock, Aitken and Waterman - that should immediately set the alarm bells ringing. It was fucking crap, and provided the first dent in the Band Aid legacy.

The next remake had rapping in it!!! It was horrible. I've got nothing against rapping - in fact I quite like it. But not in Do They Know it's Christmas. Like I said, that was a special moment in history; and what they did was akin to having the Queen repeat her Silver Jubilee in a shell-suit and Burberry cap. It was fucking disgraceful, and sat like a massive, stinking turd dumped on the legacy of Band Aid.

Now we have another one. And this time they've changed the lyrics. Jesus fucking Mary and Joseph. I refuse to listen to it, and so far have been able to successfully avoid it - one of the benefits of a sedentary lifestyle I guess.

But I know that this latest bastardisation is pissing all over that turd, smearing it all over and then flushing the whole mess down the toilet.

The unique triumph that was Band Aid has been destroyed. Now it's just another song from the eighties.

Bow your head in shame, Bob Geldof. You attention-seeking twat.