Monday 5th October 2015

NEWS

NATO are issuing warnings to Russia about its bombing of targets in Syria. So, that'll do it then, won't it? The bombing will stop immediately.

Why don't NATO tell ISIS to stop being dicks? That'll stop them, won't it? In fact, I can't believe they haven't done it already. How many lives could they have saved if they had?

While they're at it, NATO could tell people in America to stop shooting each other. How about them telling rich people to pay their taxes?

Just think about it - if NATO opened their gob more often the world would be a much better place.

George Osborne has said that the Tories should extend a hand to those who feel abandoned by Labour. He was making a speech at the party conference in Manchester, and claimed the Tories had created "a new centre ground", and were "the true party of labour".

And he can say those things. Because the Labour Party are just handing the political reins of power to the Tories. It's like every day, some member of the Labour Party (usually the leader, Jeremy Corbyn) says or does something that makes them even more unelectable. I honestly don't know if it's sheer arrogance on Labour's part, or if the party is just certifiably stupid.

Edward Snowden reckons security services can take control of smart-phones. Yep, the US whistleblower has gone all David Icke and said agencies like GCHQ and NSA can hack into phones if they so wish.

Why? Why bother?

All they're going to get from people I know are a series of nob and fart jokes and the occasional picture of somebody's arse. It's hardly the Ipcress File, is it?

I don't actually own any kind of mobile phone myself. I have no use to them thanks to my disability and sedentary lifestyle. But if I did, I really wouldn't give a shit if they hacked into my phone. If they're that desperate to stick their nose into the banality of my life then good luck to them. The only time I'd complain is if they used up my minutes.

My two penn'orth

So, are we drawing near to nuclear holocaust? Is the situation in Syria going to escalate into full-scale war between east and west?

I can tell you with full authority that it will not. The world is not going to end.

"How do you know?" I hear you ask. Well, the answer's simple - I haven't won the Lottery yet.

The world will end exactly 24 hours after the Lottery money is paid into my bank account. That'll give me just enough time to get excited about it but no chance to spend the fucker.

I'll be sure to let you all know when it happens so you'll all have time to kiss your families goodbye.

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